Anyone who knows me is more than aware of how much I dislike cooking.
But what the Hell. Let’s go on a little journey together. I’m STARVING.
Cook Time: Cooking times will vary widely on this, but generally depend on the occurrence of one trauma or another, fueled by years of maladaptive coping mechanisms. A borderline Meatloaf can reach peak, FDA recommended cook temperatures as early as adolescence, though continued research has revealed that the process can take precipitously longer.
As such, there is no standard cook time for the borderline meatloaf; those involved in its presentation are encouraged to look at a maturation of symptoms, which fit into 9 categories. Those can be found in the appendix of this cookbook.
Ingredients: One borderline; these can be identified by several things, such as a near complete lack of emotional regulation skills, black and white thinking, stress induced dissociation, and a tendency to participate in rage competitions. The borderline should be seasoned by some type of trauma or another; much of the flavor here is going to be provided by an intense fear of abandonment, which is marbleized throughout the loaf.
Steps: The borderline should wake up but not get out of bed right away. This is where rumination can be tenderized and prepped for hours and hours of seemingly endless negative feedback loops. 80 percent of borderline meatloaf cuts also experience anxiety and/or major depressive disorder. This makes the “staying in bed” part among one of the easier steps. If neither anxiety or depression is present, the borderline is much more likely to ambulate upon awakening. Ambulating borderlines do things like make beds or put dirty laundry in a hamper, which can create a sense of purpose and a sever impediment to negative self-talk.
The borderline should think on nothing but their own erratic, maladaptive behaviors. Borderline loafs with increased verbal skills should consider the particularly awful insults they’ve said; the kind that cement into the brain and become impossible to remove later. Borderlines who think on the offenses of their mouths get this added benefit: they are always receive lacerations from insults designed for others. When the poisonous words circle in the mind like a maelstrom, this helps tenderize the loaf and distribute some of the seasonings more evenly.
With the negative feedback loop in full swing, the borderline loaf should be moved out from the bed and get dressed. Being a naturally expressive protein, the borderline loaf (or BL) should select attire that reflects their own emotions and personality. Care should be taken that selected clothing does not coordinate, as that can cause the outer edge of the loaf to harden beyond consumption.
The BL should be moved to the kitchen for morning nutrition. Traditionally, it’s best to not prepare a standard BL with balanced nutrition or portions. Flavor is enhanced when a BL is prepared by long stretches of overeating, under eating, and poor eating. Ideally, the optimal feeding strategy is liquified nutrients throughout the day (e.g. Ensure), followed by copious amounts of sweets in the early hours of the morning. The BL should consume until other members of its household become annoyed at the regular depletion of ice cream.
Over morning feeding, the BL should reflect continuously on how bad their eating habits really are. The more sour the reflections, the more the palates in the loaf will enrich and diversify. The flavor combinations are positively endless.
At some point, normally with about 1/3 of a meal depleted, the BL can expect mourning rumination to translate into an emotion dump; emotion dumps, perhaps the moment that galvanizes the flavor the most in the process, is when a series of rapid fire thoughts, often conflicting in the overall core of the messaging, goes off at once, like a spark landing on the goods in a Fireworks depot. During the emotion dump, the BL feels positively hopeless and unstable, but this feeling cannot prevent what is really happening.
The loaf is cooking, and cooking gooooood.
Important Note: It is best to prepare the loaf during a period of medical leave, especially if the BL is gainfully employed. This provides a perfect opportunity to marinate the hero in periods of dissociation and raging depression. It cannot be stressed enough: the full and complete seasoning and cooking process of a BL cannot succeed if there are other things to worry about. The schedule must be clear when the maladaptive express rolls through the station.
Under these conditions, it’s important to allow the BL to isolate. This can be done by placing it outside, frequently, away from the pets and humans inside the dwelling. The seasoning process can be sped up by some form of stimulation, which often involves the BL rocking back and forth, in a chair, over and over and over. This curates the product in a kind of pointless, raging depression.
For the release of flavors that are only produced by the magicians of the culinary arts, add in some dissociation and encourage the BL to try and mentally leave the loaf. This will make the BL feel like it is a BL, but also not a BL, in a kind of spaced out limbo of identity. This part of the process is preferred because can make hours of curation seem like they occurred in a fraction of the true time.
Allow the BL to explore the dwelling and have some kind of minor tragedy; perhaps a lost cell phone or a spilled beverage. If the negative feedback loop has kept the furnace going, the BL will add the final dose of flavor by completely and totally blowing up; for maximum flavor, the BL should treat the incident as something that ranks among the greatest of human tragedies, such as the Bubonic Plague or the Spanish Inquisition. The BL should never be permitted to think that about words like perspective. Doses of perspective extract have been known to spoil many a loaf by many a foolish chef.
Flavor can be maximized by continued meltdowns, but the desired taste should be achieved after just one.
Enjoy. Serve warm. Relax.
And enjoy with a glass of SHAME.
Yours Mentally,
Nathan
Good work!