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Writer's pictureNathan Coley

Actually, My Mental Illness DOES Define Me

One of the unique challenges in living with a mental illness, at least for me, is working through the minefield of “therapisty” sayings that don’t seem to be a fit for my brain. These saying include things like, “You aren’t broken,” to “You’re not crazy.”


To all of the therapists in my life who might read this? It’s ok if you keep using your therapisty sayings. While I am serious here, I also know that I am a royal pain in the ass.


Surprise?


I am an English teacher in the wake of a recent nervous breakdown. If I’m saying that my therapists keep saying silly things to me, the truth is that I’m probably one saying the silly thing.


Which is kind of ok with me. That’s been my MO for some time now, if not my entire life.


What’s on today’s menu? The hero of our meal will be a healthy slab of “Your Illness Doesn’t Define You,” served with parsley potatoes and delicious garnish of “Let’s Forget What Words Mean.”


Before sitting down to write this entry, I asked ChatGPT4 to tell me what is meant by the term “definition” in the first place. I did this because everything that AI says is always true, without any mistakes or inaccuracies, ever.


The robot, in part, told me that “definition” refers to “the degree of distinctiveness in outline of an object, image, or sound. In general, a definition provides clear and concise information about what something this.”


Does my diagnosis of borderline personality provide clear and and precise explanation of much of my behavior? I sure hope so. Otherwise I have to get on the misdiagnosis express. I can’t imagine that would be good for business in a blog about having BPD.


A definition simply refers to the unique collection of characteristics in something. Water is defined by the emergent property of wetness. Chemically, it is defined by hydrogen and oxygen. My wardrobe is defined by several things; my weight, my body type, and my preferences in expression.


Definitions are not inherently good or bad; they simply are what they are. Things that are defined might be in a constant state of change, or they might be static. The definition of water, as far as we all know, is H2O. This definition does not change. In large measure, however, definitions change all the time. Our own physical features change over time. The dwellings in which we live might see repairs, paint jobs, new additions to the furniture, etc. While my living room is currently defined by a sectional couch, a rug, and a longitudinal entertainment center, it is unlikely to remain exactly as it is forever.


Given that I have two children who play with toys, it is never the same room from one moment to next.


Definitions literally define our thinking. We are not the only beings with minds, but we are the only beings on earth who can consciously come up with definitions. My cat might very well sit on the couch, but it doesn’t think about the couch in all of its couchness. As a human, I can look at a couch, touch it, feel it, and study it, in pursuit of actively learning what makes a couch a couch in the first place. When I look at a couch, I think about its height, placement, softness, materials, and so forth. By doing so, I can learn to tell things like a couch apart from similar objects, such as easy chairs.


Humans are unique, in part, because they can wrestle with definitions.


I am defined by a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. The criteria for this disorder are often a Rosetta Stone of sorts for my very being. While every single action of mine isn’t directly informed by my illness, many are affected by it.


Historically, I have been the kind of person who can be stoic in the face of calamity, but absolutely lose my cool if I’m missing some trivial object. This tracks with borderline personality disorder.


Historically, I am prone to a very unstable sense of self, especially when it comes to a sense of purpose and internal goodness. This tracks with borderline personality disorder.


Historically, I can go into frighteningly loud rages that immediately transition into hours, if not days, of nearly crippling shame over it all. This tracks with borderline personality disorder.


Historically, I can engage in acts of extreme valuation of a person or an institution, only to sharply reverse my assessment when I perceive offense. This tracks, you guessed it, with borderline personality disorder.


My illness defines me. When I consider the basic meaning of the term, as well as what it is supposed to accomplish, I can come to no other conclusion.


My illness DEFINES me. Understanding BPD can help unlock the mysteries behind the vast majority of my maladaptive actions. Why would I would want to get rid of the Rosetta Stone for my psyche?


When people say that an illness doesn’t define someone, I think the goal is for the patient to not think of themselves in those terms alone. People are certainly more than their mental illness.


But this doesn’t change the fact that they are defined by said illnesses.


What’s more accurate here is this: I am defined by my mental illness, but that is not the only thing that defines me. I am a human being, born at a particular place and time, with an experience in this world that is, in all of its uniqueness, only available to me. I have interests, ideas, goals, and values. There are things I love to do for fun, and things I love to do to be more productive. I am not just a walking slice of mental illness.


Definitions have to do with accurate information. I am most accurately defined when you consider me, among other things, to be defined by my mental illness.


To me, suggesting otherwise is a near detail of reality.


And all this being said? Here’s the good news: Definitions, as I noted above, are ether static or dynamic. BPD is part of who I am, but it does not have to behave the same way into perpetuity.


I am taking control back. I can’t do so without being willing to take a look at who I am.


If I am going to get better, my mental illness must define me.



Yours Mentally,


Nathan


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