i’m sorry that it’s been a minute but things were going fine and then the big sad came on again which you might know as depression and I found myself half in and out of things as I did all the stuff but failed to gain interest, sleeping in far beyond my intention to do so and unable to open my eyes upon waking, knowing that my body, all of it, was somehow rejecting reality and saying no not this time, you are going to back to bed where none of the things out there can get you, and this works until life beckons and the compassion of others starts to erode so you do what you you can, your mind struggling to be grounded in present activity as it cultivates plants in a garden of past failures, each failure like a weed that avoids chemical pesticides and just keeps coming back, over and over and over, always singing a chorus of reminders that
trickle
down
on
your
head
and the drops feel light but they pound the scalp, pummel it, kneading your thoughts into a tapestry of disconfirming sayings and before you know it you are nobody and were nobody and will be nobody and you have gone the wrong way the whole wrong way and have seen your dreams vanish over the horizon as you disappoint everyone in the present and thus further lock yourself in the past, playing a narrative with no hope, no light at the end of it, no possibilities other than waking to find out that all of it was a dream, a blip in consciousness that came upon you unawares, while you were sleeping, perhaps to teach you some lesson or moral, things that feel like luxuries when every calorie in your body is trying to maintain reality and keep the lid on the kettle of a terribly regulated palate of emotions, the substance of anger and malice and jealousy and rage, all taken to the extreme, the poles where the emotion ceases to be a tool and becomes a crushing force, and in the aftermath of ground zero there is only shock and disbelief in the face of your anger, your wreckage, and this place is a lonely place and when you start to go that way
Few
Will
Follow
And
See
Where
You
Land
and it’s no big deal because there are causes and ribbons and not a single empty gesture in sight.
Yours Mentally,
Nathan
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