TW: Suicidal Ideation
I’m afraid of death.
I’m afraid I will go to sleep and not wake up.
I’m afraid that there’s something inside me, some small part of me, waiting to break.
I’m afraid that this thing inside will not be fixable.
I’m afraid of disease.
I’m afraid of disease that would eat me from the outside.
I’m afraid of disease that would eat me from the inside.
I’m afraid I’ll be at the wrong place, at the wrong time, while I’m driving.
I’m afraid I’ll be at the wrong place, at the wrong time, when I’m walking.
I’m afraid I’ll be at all the wrong places at all the wrong times, whatever those places are.
I’m afraid of my peers mocking me.
I’m afraid of my colleagues rejecting me.
I’m afraid of my children dismissing me.
I’m afraid of my spouse disliking me.
I’m afraid of being with others.
I’m afraid of being by myself.
I’m afraid my family will get sick.
I’m afraid my family will get killed.
I am afraid of abandonment.
I’m afraid of my writing being good.
I’m afraid of my writing being terrible.
I’m afraid of not having a home.
I’m afraid of not having food.
I’m afraid of my children going hungry.
I’m afraid of myself.
I’m afraid I will let down my family.
I’m afraid I will let down my friends.
I’m afraid of staying sick.
I’m afraid of getting better.
I am afraid that someday, in an awful cocktail of stress and emotional overload, I will find maladaptive courage in the midst of suicidal ideation.
I am afraid, though I'd rather not stay that way.
In the words of European rock star Melissa Bonny:
“I sentence my fears to die.”
Yours Mentally,
Nathan
ความคิดเห็น